Sales Punks Book Teaser: A Trainwreck of a Sales Call

Ever been ambushed by a terrible cold call? Or worse, the one making it?

Either way, you know the feeling. The awkwardness. The cringe. The quiet shame.

This isn’t a book about cold calling (don’t worry, the world has suffered enough). But the absolute disaster of a call you're about to witness is a perfect symbol of everything that’s gone sideways in modern sales.

Sales today is bloated, broken, and bizarrely stuck in the past. Scripts from the '90s. Metrics that reward noise over value. Teams burning out while buyers burn bridges because they don't respect sales reps.

And yet... we keep playing the same game.

It’s time to blow it up.

The world doesn’t need more sales scripts. It needs Sales Punks.

What the hell is a Sales Punk?

A Sales Punk is the person who looks at the stale, outdated world of sales and says, “Enough.” They’re not here to stick to tired old scripts, nod along to bad advice, or pretend that missed quotas are just a temporary blip. They see the fluff, the inefficiencies, the generic pitches and they tear them apart. Sales Punks don’t settle. They think differently, act boldly, and sell with purpose. In a world drowning in mediocrity, they’re the spark that ignites progress. If you’re looking for someone who plays it safe and predictable, keep walking.

If you want results, find a Sales Punk.

Oh yes, I promised you a trainwreck of a cold call, so here it is:

The Green Death of Jason

This enterprise sales call would forever be referred to as The Green Death, so named for the human weapon of SaaS destruction, Jade Mort. As the Director of IT for a medium-sized enterprise company, Jade was sharp, strategically calculating and exactly what Raymond needed to start building a Sales Punk team and creating the Sales Punk culture that was so clearly needed.

Unfortunately for Jason, the newest sales team member at Global Tech, this prospecting call, this mangled trainwreck of a conversation was so spectacular, so thoroughly cringe-inducing, Raymond couldn’t let it go. In fact, The Green Death became the catalyst to expanding his team and reimagining its sales approach. If you could successfully navigate the wrath of someone like Jade Mort, you might be worthy of the title, Sales Punk.

On this particular Tuesday afternoon, instead of sending an outside call to voicemail, Jade Mort decided to click the answer button.

The following exchange is the unedited and mostly uncensored dismantling of poor Jason:

JADE: Who is this?

JASON: Uh, hello is this Jade Mort?

JADE (annoyed and hurried): Yes. Who is this?

Jason clears his throat, innocently oblivious to the minefield he’s stepped on to.

JASON: My name is Jason and I’m from Global Tech. I’m following up from an email we sent you last week about PrimeBill. Do you have a few minutes to talk?

Jade sighs more audibly than expected.

JADE: Oh Jason. My man, Jason. This is unfortunate. Let me take a stab at this soon-to-be cluster-fluck. I’m guessing your outdated email marketing system indicated that I opened your company’s misguided email suggesting I might be interested in talking and that’s why you’re calling. How am I doing so far?

JASON: …

JADE: Right. That’s what I thought. You see, Jason, it’s actually the fault of my company’s IT security that you have the misfortune of calling yours truly today. OUR system opens all incoming email to check for and filter out spam and useless sales-y bullshit. Unfortunately for both of us, MY system opened YOUR email - and now here we are. So, while I have not read any email from your company, there are FOUR of you chasing me right now and that’s on top of the hundreds of other salespeople sending me notes on LinkedIn or calling me to pitch products I probably don’t need. Are you with me Jake?

JASON: It’s…it’s Jason.

JADE: Like I said, I really don’t have time for this, Jason, SO let’s cut to the chase and let me hear what you’ve got.

Jason’s brain is rendered inoperable during this unfamiliar and unexpected verbal trampling. Global Tech’s sales manual definitely didn’t cover this type of call.

JASON (unsure of his next move): So, Jade, you said you’re familiar with our company. Have you worked with us before?

JADE (sighs): No, Jason.

JASON: Well, we work with companies in your industry who are looking to streamline their billing systems. Our product, PrimeBill, accomplishes this by consolidating systems and running end-to-end reporting solutions. Our enterprise clients have seen, on average, a 10 to 15% reduction in time spent on billing systems.

JADE (under her breath): Good lord! That’s your pitch?

JASON: (meekly, his voice trailing off) Was this something you were looking for this year?

JADE: Look Jason, you sound like a decent kid. I’ll wager there’s a sales manager or their replacement AI bot listening to this recording, trying to figure out how to salvage this hot mess of a cold call. So, here’s my counter-pitch to you. Today - and only today - I’m going to do you and all your billing system buddies a favor. Instead of mentioning this dumpster fire of a sales call to all of my IT colleagues, I’m just going to hang up. After that, I want - no, I need - you to take this experience back to your sales bullpen and rethink this boomer approach. Throw that doorstop binder of BS sales scripts into the recycling bin. Then, ask yourself one question, Jason: “What can I do to make sure I never waste another person’s valuable time today, tomorrow and forever more?” And while you and your Bluetooth BFFs think about the right answers, please do me the courtesy of removing my name from your database.

Now, I’m going to dunk my LinkedIn account into a bucket of hydrogen peroxide.

Good day…Jason.

Click.

As Raymond listened to the call, he alternated between quietly cringing at Jason’s nervous stammering and grinning respectfully at Jade’s off-the-cuff verbal sparring. At the same time, as someone who had been on the receiving end of many cold LinkedIn pitches about unlocking synergy or other annoying “trend terms”, this time he was on Team Jade.

“She’s not wrong,” he thought. “But poor Jason.”

He could hear it in her voice. He was reading between the contemptuous lines. Jade wasn’t just angry about these time-sucking sales calls - she was so beyond frustratingly exhausted that she didn’t even want to hear the pitch. Jason could have been offering her a free trip to Tahiti after a free trial of PrimeBill and she’d still fire back with everything she had, just to avoid the pitch.

Jade Mort, aptly dubbed The Green Death, was the kind of prospect who could not only see right through the dance of a sales call, she also wasn’t about to let outdated and scripted selling techniques go unchallenged. Raymond respected that. This was Sales Punk catnip.

Giving it some more thought, Raymond knew he needed to capitalize on the lessons learned from The Green Death/Jason exchange. A prospect as knowledgeable and opinionated as Jade was too important to just throw onto the “no” pile.

Despite her poetically merciless KO of Jason, who was probably somewhere curled up in the fetal position, this was not the last of Jade. Raymond needed to talk to her. He wanted to learn from her. If he was going to expand his team and establish a Sales Punk approach, Jade “The Green Death” Mort was going to be a crucial component.

++++++

Subscribe to my Linkedin Newsletter here: https://www.linkedin.com/build-relation/newsletter-follow?entityUrn=6767661120267411456

For those of you who do not know me, I deliver global sales training, coaching and leadership development programs designed to help companies expand across regions and equip next-gen leaders to tackle emerging global challenges and leverage hybrid work opportunities.

My Linkedin Learning program covers topics on international expansion and I wrote a book about the lessons learned, good, bad and ugly, when expanding into foreign markets called The Accidental Business Nomad: A Survival Guide for Working Across a Shrinking Planet. It looks at the hyper-globalization era over the last few decades and about working across cultures. It won the Axiom Business Book Award and has been translated into traditional Chinese.

My 2nd book, Sales Punks is coming out soon and yes, I've built an AI Bot sales reps can practice on named Jade Mort.

‍